Jemimah

** TRIGGER WARNING. THIS BLOG POST INCLUDES DISCUSSION OF TRAUMATIC AND DIFFICULT BIRTHING EXPERIENCES WHICH SOME READERS MAY FIND DISTRESSING **

My final baby was a big deal - a huge decision, as I had decided to have a baby alone without a partner , for my 3rd daughter.

There was so much anticipation for my baby, everything was planned and I was well prepared as she is my fourth baby.


I know my body well. I am truly in tune with myself especially when I am pregnant, the four losses and the diagnoses of my irritable uterus. So it was a risk. But I was enthusiastic and prepared mentally for all that would come. So I thought...

My daughter was born on the 13th of August 2020. A planned homebirth.

I had the pool, had a home assessment and birthing team at the ready.

A Midwife one I had not met in my pregnancy arrived at my home at 3:15PM, on the 13th.

She seemed nice enough. I had changed my midwives twice already due to the fact she had breached confidentiality & the second as she was unwilling to "hear" any of my concerns .

I explained to this new midwife , I was experiencing a lot of pressure in my perineal and my pelvis, I had dropped and I informed her. She said she was worried about the growth of my daughter as the measurements from a week prior seemed that my daughter had dramatically shrunk? I said I believed it's because my daughter was in the birth canal at the point. Whilst talking to her I could not catch my breath , and I was unable to stand up or sit down, pacing back and fourth was what made it more bearable. I let the midwife know I felt I was in the early stages of labour. She said I wasn't it was "cervical pain".

I had never heard of this term before. She took a phone call with "one of her ladies " that lasted over 20 minutes.

I was bent over my landing staircase at this point as the discomfort surged and became more intense. I interrupted her call, & said I was getting more uncomfortable, again I said I really feel like I'm in labour, she said I don't think you are Jemimah & she really had to take this call as her client "actually" was in labour. I felt quite crushed and I was already hormonal & felt slightly stupid.

As she was leaving my house she said , "trust your body - you will know when you're in actual labour".

I felt so discouraged as I have a diagnoses which leaves you in constant early labour and doesn't progress - I had only asked her to see me to reassure me I was going to experience this issue as I have had to be induced & I desperately wanted as my final one to not have to have that & to do this alone. And I felt so discouraged I sat on my birthing ball alone & sobbed out of frustration & feeling totally hopeless. (due to COVID my two birth partners still unable to travel)

It was at this point way after 4PM , I had to heave myself off of the ball & make my children’s dinner, I was experiencing a lot of pain, & yelped every now & then I also couldn't catch my breath. My 8 year old was worried about me and said he thinks the baby is coming - I told him it's not the midwife said she'd be here in days or next week & I was just experiencing pain.

I tried to not cry in front of him but at this point, it was well after 5PM and I could hardly catch my breath, I was also doubting my pain threshold and disappointed in myself also.

I then started having a panic attack & my friend all the way in Bristol on the phone helped me to compose myself.

I was unable to walk well and she asked if I had called my "birth bubble ". I said no, because the midwives words were in my head. I was sure I was in labour but she talked me down from what I felt so well, I hadn't a clue. She called her mum to come round and as I transitioned, arrived in perfect time. She called the midwives team and they said "If Jemimah feels like she's in labour - she can call for herself". Eventually they called me the midwives and asked me questions, I was unable to focus as I was in desperate pain. I told them the baby will arrive soon. At 6:40pm they informed me that there were no midwives available to me until 8;00pm and that I'd have to wait. I just cried and hung up. At 7:40pm I was crowning and we didn't have time to fill the birthing pool. My friend and my son where present. I could feel my daughter's head coming, then heard an unfamiliar voice behind me. It was a midwife who was sent to see what was happening. She declared she had no birth kit as no one came to deliver it to her so as I was birthing my daughter's head I had to ask my friend to find my scissors in my bedroom. Unfortunately probably due to my panic, my daughter passed meconium but was healthy in every other way.

So instead of the blissful homebirth we were only able to be home after her birth for 40 minutes, until we left in an ambulance.